Strengthening Fellowship from Superficial to Spiritual

Humans have a need for connection to other people. We want a place to belong, where we know our people and our people know us. For Christians, our need for connection goes beyond just a hobby group, or club association, but a deep spiritual relationship with believers. This spiritual connection is called “fellowship.” The biblical term for this is koinonia, which isn’t just about socializing, it’s sharing a spiritual bond and participation in the life of Christ together. There is nothing wrong with social activities, but you need something more than that, you need fellowship.

Sometimes Christians may feel the need for more fellowship but don’t know how to get it. Their first impulse is to schedule more events. If we are around each other more, the thought goes, then that should lead to more fellowship. The mistake with that thinking is more doesn’t mean better. Often, the problem with fellowship isn’t one of quantity, but of quality. Take for instance a standard job, you may be around coworkers for years, you may even spend more waking hours with your fellow employees than your family, how many of your coworkers through all those hours spent with them do you feel a deep spiritual connection with? Probably none to few, and even those few are probably from events and issues not associated with work that led to the bond. The point is, when it comes to fellowship, filling the schedule will do nothing to make you feel more connected until you move past the superficial. Events are great, and hospitality in your own home is a fantastic tool for fellowship, but without deliberate focus it can still miss fellowship. Below are some points on how we can strengthen fellowship to form those meaningful bonds that we need.

1. Recognize you Need Fellowship

You are not an island disconnected from everyone else. Even those people who think they are lone wolves who don’t need anyone are usually the most in need of other people. You were created for fellowship, and your Christian walk is designed to have it. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him who is alone when he falls, and doesn’t have another to lift him up.” Going through this life alone is dangerous, but you can be alone in a room full of people and with a packed social schedule. You need people who can recognize when you fall and can lift you up.

You can’t live the Christian life on your own, and you weren’t meant to. In fact, God commanded fellowship. He says in John 13:34-35, “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” Fellowship is when social interaction is empowered by love. We can’t love others if we do not allow them to love us. For the Christian, fellowship is not an option, it’s God’s commandment, so of course you need it.

2. Recognize the Reality of Already Being United in Fellowship

Fellowship isn’t trying to fabricate a relationship out of thin air. Fellowship is about recognizing, and living in, a relationship that God has already placed us in. Before the crucifixion in John 17:21 Jesus prayed, “that they may all be one, even as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be one in us; that the world may believe that you sent me.” That’s what his sacrifice did for us, not only justification from sin and all that is associated with it, but he also placed us in a state of unity with the Father and the Son so that we are also united with each other.

Sometimes in conflict we think we need to create unity with others, but unity is already there. In fact, without the pre-existing unity, we wouldn’t have much hope in our human power to create it. Look at what Paul says in Ephesians 4:3-4, “being eager to keep [or maintain] the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, even as you also were called in one hope of your calling.” The Spirit has already given us unity; he has bonded us together. We do not need to make unity with each other, we simply need to cultivate the unity that the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit have already provided.

3. Worship Together for Fellowship

If our fellowship flows from the mystery of the unity given to us through the Trinity, then our proper response is to worship together. This was the exact same response of the early church in Acts 2:42, “They continued steadfastly in the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and prayer.” You will never experience true fellowship if you do not worship with other believers. Being dedicated to the gathering of local believers in church is not only the natural result of fellowship, but also necessary for it.

The assembly of believers isn’t something that is outdated due to technology, it is something that is even more important as the ages role on. Hebrews 10:25 says, “not forsaking our own assembling together, as the custom of some is, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” The closer we get to the return of Christ, the more significant this point becomes, not less. It is through the assembly that we encourage each other by worshipping together. It is a weekly reminder that I am not alone, but I am linked to other believers as we praise the God we are all connected to.

4. You Must Be Vulnerable if You Want to Experience Fellowship

This is one of the scariest points on this list, but it is also one of the most essential to experiencing what real fellowship feels like. Unless you show people who you really are, the pains, the struggles, the failures, the doubts, the fears, then you will always have a wall up that prevents fellowship. If we say we want fellowship but then don’t let people know who we really are, then we will never find it. It’s a losing battle. We are scared to be vulnerable because we want to defend ourselves and keep ourselves safe and self-contained. Often that self-containment is less of a fear admitting who we are to others, and more a fear of admitting who we really are to ourselves. If you can’t be vulnerable with yourself, and with God, then you won’t be able to with other people. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” We can’t do that if we don’t know each other’s burdens. Vulnerability isn’t weakness, it’s the strength to bare your true self to others. When you do that, you find others can respond by being their true self as well.

Our fellowship should run so deep that God has appointed it as a means of combating of sin. James 5:16a says, “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another.” Sin loves to hide in the dark, true loving fellowship allows it to be brought into the light and healed. Rather than being shunned due to confession of sin, fellowship should be the most loving, and secure context for confession, as it points the sinner to our loving God who binds us together. This doesn’t mean that you should share your issues with every Christian, but it does mean you should share your issues with SOME Christian.

Being vulnerable is the only way that we can, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep” as Romans 12:15 says. We have to express our emotions with each other, for how can I rejoice with you if I don’t know your joy? And how can I weep with you if I don’t know your pain and struggles? Sometimes we think we talk about deep topics, but they are a mask from being truly vulnerable. Talking about politics, world events, and ideological movements may seem like heavy discussion, but they are all still externally pushing the focus to “out there” rather than what’s in your heart. Even theology can be a barrier we put up, where we may seem to be talking about Christian topics. If we don’t get to how those subjects relate to what’s going on down in your soul, it’s not yet a conversation of deep fellowship.

5. Going Through Hardship Together Forms Fellowship

Sometimes we want to keep our hardships close to our chest for fear, pride, or some other reason. Hardship may be a bad diagnosis, a loss of job, the death of a loved one or any number of difficulties and trials this life gives. When we receive, or give, support in those times it forms a bond that is unlike others. The harder the hardship, the sweeter the fellowship that can be developed. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, through the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” By sharing our affliction, and being comforted by God through his people, we can in turn comfort others also going through hardships.

Being there for someone in hardship can be scary because we are afraid we might say the wrong thing, or don’t know what to say. Here’s a trick from years as a hospital and hospice chaplain, you don’t have to say much of anything at all. Just let them know you care and let them know they are free to talk if they want to, and if they don’t just be with them. It’s not about saying the things that fix it, most likely you can’t fix it, it’s about experiencing the hardship together. Hebrews 10:32-34 says, “But remember the former days, in which… you endured a great struggle with sufferings; partly, being exposed to both reproaches and afflictions; and partly, becoming partakers with those who were treated so.” In these verses, sometimes they were the one’s in hardship, and sometimes they just stood with others who were the ones in hardship. Mirroring Christ who entered our suffering (Philippians 2:5-8), forms our fellowship with others who are suffering.

6. Going Through Hardships With Each Other Forms Fellowship

Sometimes the hardship isn’t an external issue, but conflicts with each other. These do not have to be sources of division, rather, every conflict is an opportunity for reconciliation and an even stronger relationship because of it. Colossians 3:13 says, “bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also do.” In any relationship that matters conflict will come, but for those that really matter conflict strengthens them rather than breaks them. Philippians 2:4 commands, “each of you not just looking to his own things, but each of you also to the things of others.” When there is an issue between us, we don’t just look to win, but to care about the other person and seek togetherness.

Some of the most profound and longest-lasting relationships I have are those where we decided to stick it out with each other. Even if you are in the right (which most conflicts are not 100% one sided), we should still follow Romans 15:1, “Now we who are strong ought to bear the weaknesses of the weak, and not to please ourselves.” It can be easy to run away because of an interpersonal hardship, but often that means you simply run to another place until a new interpersonal hardship comes, and you run again. Each time we don’t deal with the conflict in seeking reconciliation, we miss an opportunity for our own maturity, and for our growth in fellowship. When we work through interpersonal issues with each other we can move our interaction from the superficial to one that can provide mutual urging and uplifting. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says, “Therefore exhort one another, and build each other up, even as you also do.” When we go through hardships with each other, our fellowship on the other side of the conflict can be deeper than it was before.

7. Serve Together to Develop Fellowship

Fellowship events aren’t bad, but often they are more “events” than they are “fellowship.” Men’s ministries seem especially bad at this. Men are known for forming bonds by doing things together, and so churches fill their calendars with trips for fishing, shooting at gun ranges, rucksack marches, steak dinners, and other manly events. None of these are wrong things in themselves, but if that’s all they are, they aren’t really fellowship and they are barely even ministry. They never move to Hebrews 10:25, “Let us consider how to provoke one another to love and good works.” Let’s be honest, men in our culture have a harder time talking with each other, and doing a physical activity is an outlet for masculine friendship. One of the things that can powerfully bring people together is by being on mission together.

Those who have been in the military and then get out often say the thing they miss most is the camaraderie they had when they were in. That’s not something the military invented though; it’s how God designed us. We have the Great Commission, the grandest mission of all ages. Galatians 5:13 says, “For you, brothers, were called for freedom. Only don’t use your freedom for gain to the flesh, but through love be servants to one another.” As we serve together, we grow together. Even just a church workday has made me feel more connected to others because we accomplished something together. 1 Peter 4:10 says, “As each has received a gift, employ it in serving one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.” As we use our gifts, lockstep in arm with other believers for a Kingdom purpose, we will develop fellowship with each other.

8. Encourage and Help One Another to Build Fellowship

How we talk about each other and to each other is one of the most crucial factors in maintaining fellowship. Snarky, condescending, over-sarcastic, or constantly critical conversation is detrimental to fellowship. We should actively encourage each other with what is good. If we can’t acknowledge anything good, then we need to get to know that person more. There are times when correction is necessary, but encouraging what is good has far more influence to reinforce good behavior than threatening does to correct bad behavior. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for building others up as the need may be, that it may give grace to those who hear.” What we say must not only be truth, but what fits the occasion. It could be a right truth, but the wrong occasion given the circumstances. We need to actively find ways to build each other up rather than speech that corrupts fellowship.

We aren’t only to love in words, but also in deed and truth (1 John 3:17-18). That means we also help each other tangibly when we can. When we do good for each other the fellowship between us is strengthened. Galatians 6:10 says, “So then, as we have opportunity, let’s do what is good toward all men, and especially toward those who are of the household of the faith.” Do good, and then in turn have them do good towards you. The point isn’t to rack up favors, the point is that by genuinely showing care, fellowship can flourish.

 

So Now What?

How do we break down these 8 points into a simple, bite-sized, baby step towards deeper fellowship? The first thing to do is to start by changing your conversations when you are together. Rather than talking about the weather or current events, ask all or even just one of these questions to move past the superficial and move towards real fellowship. The more you ask and share these questions they become as commonplace in our conversations as “So how was your week?” or “How’s it going?” but with the benefit of having spiritually bonded koinonia fellowship in mind.

Question 1 (Worship): “What are you thankful to God for?”

Question 2 (Learn): “What is God teaching you?”

Question 3 (Serve): “How are you putting it into action?”

Question 1 is about worshiping together and relates to points 1-3 mentioned above. Question 2 is about what God is teaching us as we grow through both the Scriptures and also what we are going through in life and relates to points 4-6. Question 3 is about serving God and how we are applying what God is teaching us in real life and relates to points 7-8. You asking these questions, and by being asked these questions by others, our interactions will change to support and enhance fellowship. In the end, our togetherness isn’t through a multitude of more social events, but through intentional, real fellowship that bonds us together in Christ.

 

Bound Together: A Sonnet for Fellowship

Bound together in bondage free,

God formed a people set apart.

Disconnected? Not you and me.

All in Christ are bound in heart.

 

 

So, we must share who we are

with God’s family here below.

Show weakness, injury, and scar

That each other we may truly know.

 

Alone, we never need to walk or strive.

It is through fellowship that we survive.